Friday, January 14, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Conversation.
Girlfriend: I make the best cookies!
Me: Oh yeah?
Girlfriend: Do you want to know how?!
Me: Sureeee.
Girlfriend: I dont cook them long enough!
Me: .... :D
Me: Oh yeah?
Girlfriend: Do you want to know how?!
Me: Sureeee.
Girlfriend: I dont cook them long enough!
Me: .... :D
Today.
Its my birthday and im not happy at all. This is my second birthday that I have to survive without my mother. Sitting and thinking about it is really terribly depressing. Just to think of all of the things shes going to miss, and all of the things im going to have to do without her.
Knowing shes looking down on me smiling, and hopefully feeling some sense of pride makes it a little easier. But not having her here physically hurts more than almost anything I can think of. It still seems so unreal, the fact that shes "dead". I hate that word, I really do.
Ive been in the worst mood since last night. I fought with my girlfriend about something that shouldnt have even been a concern, and of course it was all my fault. I really wish I wasnt such a bitch for lack of a better word. I have a really hard time expressing my emotions, so if im sad, depressed, confused, etc. it just comes out as anger. The problem with that is, when im angry I aim to hurt people. Which destroys any form of relationship I form with people, usually. Surprisingly Carly puts up with it and turns the other cheek. How? I have no clue.
On the bright side, im most likely getting a new tattoo for my birthday. Nothing big, and nothing fancy, but something with meaning nonetheless. I want to get an exclamation mark on my left hand, in between my thumb and pointer finger. My girlfriend is going to get a question mark on her right hand, in the same spot. They are the symbols from World of Warcraft.
Nothing will ever be the same for me. Without my mom, I cant seem to make myself happy. Ill always remember those Thursday nights when wed sit on the couch and watch snapped, and all the mystery shows. Ill always remember her telling me to "go put my night clothes on". She thought that was hilarious. Ill always remember falling asleep and not waking up until 9 or 10 at night, and then eating dinner.
One of the main things that hurts the most about all of this is, I really dont have anyone to talk to about it, because no one really understands how I feel. Everyone thinks I should be over it already, when in reality, I havent even accepted it yet. All I ever do is cry, cry about all the lost time, and all the lost memories, and about all the things I cant change.
There will never be a better mother on this earth. There will never be a more beautiful mother, a more loving mother, a more caring mother. The saddest thing is, the whole world didnt get to experience the beauty of her life. The world didnt get to see how much love she had to share with everyone. She was far to young to leave, I would do anything to be able to bring her back, even if only for a day, or a couple hours. Ill never love anyone as much as I love my mother, its just impossible.
Knowing shes looking down on me smiling, and hopefully feeling some sense of pride makes it a little easier. But not having her here physically hurts more than almost anything I can think of. It still seems so unreal, the fact that shes "dead". I hate that word, I really do.
Ive been in the worst mood since last night. I fought with my girlfriend about something that shouldnt have even been a concern, and of course it was all my fault. I really wish I wasnt such a bitch for lack of a better word. I have a really hard time expressing my emotions, so if im sad, depressed, confused, etc. it just comes out as anger. The problem with that is, when im angry I aim to hurt people. Which destroys any form of relationship I form with people, usually. Surprisingly Carly puts up with it and turns the other cheek. How? I have no clue.
On the bright side, im most likely getting a new tattoo for my birthday. Nothing big, and nothing fancy, but something with meaning nonetheless. I want to get an exclamation mark on my left hand, in between my thumb and pointer finger. My girlfriend is going to get a question mark on her right hand, in the same spot. They are the symbols from World of Warcraft.
One of the main things that hurts the most about all of this is, I really dont have anyone to talk to about it, because no one really understands how I feel. Everyone thinks I should be over it already, when in reality, I havent even accepted it yet. All I ever do is cry, cry about all the lost time, and all the lost memories, and about all the things I cant change.
There will never be a better mother on this earth. There will never be a more beautiful mother, a more loving mother, a more caring mother. The saddest thing is, the whole world didnt get to experience the beauty of her life. The world didnt get to see how much love she had to share with everyone. She was far to young to leave, I would do anything to be able to bring her back, even if only for a day, or a couple hours. Ill never love anyone as much as I love my mother, its just impossible.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The greatest feeling.
Never in my life have I gotten so much joy from someone elses happiness. Literally, any emotion she feels, I feel it 10 times stronger. If shes happy, im beyond ecstatic. If shes sad, I feel like the whole worlds crumbling around me.
Holding her, and feeling her grasp my arms around her makes me feel like I can do anything I want to do. She gives me so much hope that life will turn around, and it will get better. Even on the saddest days, all I need is to hear her voice and everything is instantly better.
Attempting to put into words how much love I have for this girl is impossible. She is the most perfect being Ive ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes upon. For the first time in my life, im excited about the future. Just knowing that this is what I have to look forward to every single day makes life seem more than worth it, and thats a beautiful feeling.
Its days like these...
- That no matter what I do, I just dont feel good enough for anyone.
- That no matter what I do, I cant make myself happy.
- That anger and frustration completely take over my mind, and body.
- That it feels like its not even worth it at all to be awake.
The depression I feel on a day to day basis weighs down on me heavier than anything. Never being happy for more than a couple of hours really makes you feel worthless. Anything you do, just seems like its sad in some way or another. Having no one to really turn to at all, and knowing that you partially made it that way. Feeling as if youll never amount to anything, and youll never be accepted by the people that really should matter the most.
Todays a depressing, miserable day.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Pride.
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But the saddest part of it is, so many people say theyre okay with gay people, and they say they love gay people, but when theyre standing in front of someone whos gay, they hate them. Its almost like its trendy to say youre okay with the gays. I personally lost nearly all of my friends when I told everyone I was gay. Most of the friends I lost, "loved gay people." But now that im out of the closet so to speak, im a leper.
The greatest part about it though is, I have never been happier in my entire life. I have never been happier with myself, and I have never been happier with any significant other than I am with my girlfriend. Life is good, and despite the criticism, and rude comments, nothing can bring me down it seems. Actually loving someone, and being loved back, no matter how many flaws either of you have is somehow magical.
This is it.
Im the kind of person that has a really hard time expressing how I feel. Ive been through a lot in my life, regardless if im young. But by far the hardest thing Ive had to deal with is losing my mother. The main purpose of this blog is to share my story, and to hopefully help at least one person by doing so.
On November 14, 2009 my mother attempted suicide by ingesting two and a half bottles of Anti- Freeze mixed with Potassium Chloride. She was found the next morning by her boyfriend, he called an ambulance, and she was rushed to the hospital. While at the hospital, all of the doctors treated her like she was less than dirt. After they had done blood tests and determinded how much, and of what was in her system they were to air flight her to another hospital. Once she was on the heli-pad and strapped onto the gurney, she went into Cardiac Arrest. The doctors waited almost ten minutes before deciding to do anything to help her. They got the paddles and they got her stable again.
Since Anti- Freeze and Potassium Chloride are two of the deadliest chemicals you can put into your body, they ate away at most of her organs, including her brain. She had very little brain activity when she got to the hospital, and the brain is the only organ in the human body that cannot repair itself, and cannot be repaired. What little of her brain that was left was killed when those doctors let her go into Cardiac Arrest for so long. While someone is in Cardiac Arrest, the oxygen flow to the brain is cut off, leaving it to shut down.
Once they finally got her stable and onto the helicopter, it took them nearly three hours to get her to the other hospital. When the flight should have been 30-45 minutes. When she finally got to the hospital, I finally got to see her for the first time. I was terrified and started crying instantly. From all of the IVs and all the chemicals, her body, face, hands, feet, legs, arms, everything were swollen beyond recognition. But somehow I knew it was my mother.
It took them around two hours to get her stable enough for anyone to go into the room and see her. Her boyfriend, and her sister were the first two to go in and see her. My brother and I were the second ones to go in and see her. My brother couldnt be in the room for more than five minutes. So I stood there, alone just staring at her. I was in shock, I couldnt believe what was happening.
Note that I had no idea that it was a suicide attempt, or anything until at least three days of her being in the hospital.
My mother was not insured, therefore everyone treated her like she didnt matter. Her roommate, who was a heroin addict that had overdosed and lived on the street was treated better than she was.
After about a week, the doctors had told us that there was no hope that she would ever recover from what had happened. She had slipped into a coma, and was in a vegatative state. The only thing that was keeping her alive and breathing was her brain stem. The rest of her brain was completely destroyed. Most of her organs had recovered over time.
She was in a coma from November 15, 2009 to May 2, 2010 and then she passed away.
It has been eight months since her death, and I still have not accepted it. I have not begun to grieve, and I still do not believe that she is dead. I have convinced myself that she has gone into hiding, and when she is ready she will come find me, and we will be happy again. Wishful thinking, and false hope comfort me.
On November 14, 2009 my mother attempted suicide by ingesting two and a half bottles of Anti- Freeze mixed with Potassium Chloride. She was found the next morning by her boyfriend, he called an ambulance, and she was rushed to the hospital. While at the hospital, all of the doctors treated her like she was less than dirt. After they had done blood tests and determinded how much, and of what was in her system they were to air flight her to another hospital. Once she was on the heli-pad and strapped onto the gurney, she went into Cardiac Arrest. The doctors waited almost ten minutes before deciding to do anything to help her. They got the paddles and they got her stable again.
Since Anti- Freeze and Potassium Chloride are two of the deadliest chemicals you can put into your body, they ate away at most of her organs, including her brain. She had very little brain activity when she got to the hospital, and the brain is the only organ in the human body that cannot repair itself, and cannot be repaired. What little of her brain that was left was killed when those doctors let her go into Cardiac Arrest for so long. While someone is in Cardiac Arrest, the oxygen flow to the brain is cut off, leaving it to shut down.
Once they finally got her stable and onto the helicopter, it took them nearly three hours to get her to the other hospital. When the flight should have been 30-45 minutes. When she finally got to the hospital, I finally got to see her for the first time. I was terrified and started crying instantly. From all of the IVs and all the chemicals, her body, face, hands, feet, legs, arms, everything were swollen beyond recognition. But somehow I knew it was my mother.
It took them around two hours to get her stable enough for anyone to go into the room and see her. Her boyfriend, and her sister were the first two to go in and see her. My brother and I were the second ones to go in and see her. My brother couldnt be in the room for more than five minutes. So I stood there, alone just staring at her. I was in shock, I couldnt believe what was happening.
Note that I had no idea that it was a suicide attempt, or anything until at least three days of her being in the hospital.
My mother was not insured, therefore everyone treated her like she didnt matter. Her roommate, who was a heroin addict that had overdosed and lived on the street was treated better than she was.
After about a week, the doctors had told us that there was no hope that she would ever recover from what had happened. She had slipped into a coma, and was in a vegatative state. The only thing that was keeping her alive and breathing was her brain stem. The rest of her brain was completely destroyed. Most of her organs had recovered over time.
She was in a coma from November 15, 2009 to May 2, 2010 and then she passed away.
It has been eight months since her death, and I still have not accepted it. I have not begun to grieve, and I still do not believe that she is dead. I have convinced myself that she has gone into hiding, and when she is ready she will come find me, and we will be happy again. Wishful thinking, and false hope comfort me.
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