This is it.

Im the kind of person that has a really hard time expressing how I feel. Ive been through a lot in my life, regardless if im young. But by far the hardest thing Ive had to deal with is losing my mother. The main purpose of this blog is to share my story, and to hopefully help at least one person by doing so.

On November 14, 2009 my mother attempted suicide by ingesting two and a half bottles of Anti- Freeze mixed with Potassium Chloride. She was found the next morning by her boyfriend, he called an ambulance, and she was rushed to the hospital. While at the hospital, all of the doctors treated her like she was less than dirt. After they had done blood tests and determinded how much, and of what was in her system they were to air flight her to another hospital. Once she was on the heli-pad and strapped onto the gurney, she went into Cardiac Arrest. The doctors waited almost ten minutes before deciding to do anything to help her. They got the paddles and they got her stable again.

Since Anti- Freeze and Potassium Chloride are two of the deadliest chemicals you can put into your body, they ate away at most of her organs, including her brain. She had very little brain activity when she got to the hospital, and the brain is the only organ in the human body that cannot repair itself, and cannot be repaired. What little of her brain that was left was killed when those doctors let her go into Cardiac Arrest for so long. While someone is in Cardiac Arrest, the oxygen flow to the brain is cut off, leaving it to shut down.

Once they finally got her stable and onto the helicopter, it took them nearly three hours to get her to the other hospital. When the flight should have been 30-45 minutes. When she finally got to the hospital, I finally got to see her for the first time. I was terrified and started crying instantly. From all of the IVs and all the chemicals, her body, face, hands, feet, legs, arms, everything were swollen beyond recognition. But somehow I knew it was my mother.

It took them around two hours to get her stable enough for anyone to go into the room and see her. Her boyfriend, and her sister were the first two to go in and see her. My brother and I were the second ones to go in and see her. My brother couldnt be in the room for more than five minutes. So I stood there, alone just staring at her. I was in shock, I couldnt believe what was happening.

Note that I had no idea that it was a suicide attempt, or anything until at least three days of her being in the hospital.

My mother was not insured, therefore everyone treated her like she didnt matter. Her roommate, who was a heroin addict that had overdosed and lived on the street was treated better than she was.

After about a week, the doctors had told us that there was no hope that she would ever recover from what had happened. She had slipped into a coma, and was in a vegatative state. The only thing that was keeping her alive and breathing was her brain stem. The rest of her brain was completely destroyed. Most of her organs had recovered over time.

She was in a coma from November 15, 2009 to May 2, 2010 and then she passed away.

It has been eight months since her death, and I still have not accepted it. I have not begun to grieve, and I still do not believe that she is dead. I have convinced myself that she has gone into hiding, and when she is ready she will come find me, and we will be happy again. Wishful thinking, and false hope comfort me.