Today.

Its my birthday and im not happy at all. This is my second birthday that I have to survive without my mother. Sitting and thinking about it is really terribly depressing. Just to think of all of the things shes going to miss, and all of the things im going to have to do without her.

Knowing shes looking down on me smiling, and hopefully feeling some sense of pride makes it a little easier. But not having her here physically hurts more than almost anything I can think of. It still seems so unreal, the fact that shes "dead". I hate that word, I really do.

Ive been in the worst mood since last night. I fought with my girlfriend about something that shouldnt have even been a concern, and of course it was all my fault. I really wish I wasnt such a bitch for lack of a better word. I have a really hard time expressing my emotions, so if im sad, depressed, confused, etc. it just comes out as anger. The problem with that is, when im angry I aim to hurt people. Which destroys any form of relationship I form with people, usually. Surprisingly Carly puts up with it and turns the other cheek. How? I have no clue.

On the bright side, im most likely getting a new tattoo for my birthday. Nothing big, and nothing fancy, but something with meaning nonetheless. I want to get an exclamation mark on my left hand, in between my thumb and pointer finger. My girlfriend is going to get a question mark on her right hand, in the same spot. They are the symbols from World of Warcraft.

Nothing will ever be the same for me. Without my mom, I cant seem to make myself happy. Ill always remember those Thursday nights when wed sit on the couch and watch snapped, and all the mystery shows. Ill always remember her telling me to "go put my night clothes on". She thought that was hilarious. Ill always remember falling asleep and not waking up until  9 or 10 at night, and then eating dinner.

One of the main things that hurts the most about all of this is, I really dont have anyone to talk to about it, because no one really understands how I feel. Everyone thinks I should be over it already, when in reality, I havent even accepted it yet. All I ever do is cry, cry about all the lost time, and all the lost memories, and about all the things I cant change.

There will never be a better mother on this earth. There will never be a more beautiful mother, a more loving mother, a more caring mother. The saddest thing is, the whole world didnt get to experience the beauty of her life. The world didnt get to see how much love she had to share with everyone. She was far to young to leave, I would do anything to be able to bring her back, even if only for a day, or a couple hours. Ill never love anyone as much as I love my mother, its just impossible.